NEWLOVE

ever since my return from india i cannot. stop. farting. shut up i know!
today was a milestone in not just quantity but in quality. the unusually high methane levels in my body are not due to delhi belly like the last time i went to india (during which i lost almost 30 lbs. - ah the good old days,) and thank goodness because during those 6 painful weeks i reeked of old man. no, this time i think it’s possibly due to my re-entry into eating “normal” foods.

the other day, brad and i spent about 6 straight hours with his girlfriend, paul, and not to embarrass myself, i had to leave the room on occasion with some feeble excuse of having to get something from the bedroom where i could fart in private - in the unlikely event that it was SBD (silent but deadly.) paul must think i had ants in my pants or something with the amount of times i had to leave the room. each time it was thankfully not stinky but unfortunately, that meant it was mortifyingly loud. honk! honk!! no joke. i think people up at griffith observatory could hear me - and definitely all our neighbors.

i’ve even had to resort to farting in public on occasion. tonight i was at hot mix 3 at vice and luckily with the music so loud i didn’t end up being that weirdo that had to keep excusing herself. i’d just fart in the middle of a conversation and cross my fingers. then, i’d shiftily dart my eyes around like a paranoid schizophrenic to make sure no one was looking at me too much or for too long or while crinkling their noses, ready to shout out, “him that smelt it dealt it motherfuckers!”

This entry was posted on Friday, May 2nd, 2008 at 11:19 pm and is filed under embarrassing moments. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.