NEWLOVE

yunmi, tina and i have been down in santa monica just north of the pier installing for a charity event. it’s beautiful spending our days at the beach.

too bad when tina (first to arrive) got out of her car this morning, she was standing in 2 feet of rain/ocean water! it finally rained in socal! (of course - i finally washed my car for the first time in 6 months …it was inevitable.) we would have been more happy about the rain if the city of santa monica had opened the drains in the parking lot where we had set up our 17,000 square foot event space. we had already installed all the carpet, the tables, linens, place settings, electricity …everything. the suede ottomans were floating there was so much water! we had to remove all the tables & chairs so we could pull up all the carpet and suck up all the water before re-laying new carpet and setting the tables back in place. it certainly put quite the dent in our schedule!

we had to replace all the carpet but no matter how much we pumped, we couldn’t get rid of all the water. and there wasn’t enough blue carpet available so we had to go with black.

luckily we had 500+ giftbags with new hairdryers. we had to pull them and dry all the table clothes.

at the end of the day, everything worked out and the clients/guests were happy.

i was standing at the beach and i saw a funny figure basking in the orange glow of the sunset wearing a poncho and cowboy hat. it was picturesque. but too bad the figure turned around and ruined the photo. then i noticed that IT WAS FLEA FROM THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS!

when i posted brad’s latest embarrassing experience at an audition where he had to perform steps from flashdance, i received a lot of emails and phone calls with various responses. brad’s choreographed humiliation was misinterpreted by some as a serious dance audition and i was asked by many if he booked the job (a car commercial,) to which i had to reply, “no, they chose a fat guy.” because, honestly, a fat guy is funnier.

case in point…

at brad’s callback audition, the director actually told him to pick out one of the agency execs on which to focus and to sell the suspension of the car through “the art of the flashdance.” I’M NOT KIDDING

some people take themselves waaaaayyy to seriously. brad, obviously, does not.

thanks for being such a good sport, brad. all of us who know you got a good laugh out of your antics. i know you made teensy’s and fontana’s day.

9am   gyno
11am chiropractor
12pm haircut
2pm   lunch with girlfriend
4pm   massage
5pm   relax at spa with magazine
6pm   shop
8pm   dinner and drinks with girlfriend
12am  realize birds have shat all over clean car and now must make time to wash again

i have been waiting for today for a mighty long time - since may perhaps.  i finally got an appointment at the beginning of september (so i could have fabulous hair for the emmy’s) which was pushed a week or two because my colorist was sick and then pushed another week because when my colorist was sick, he slept on his i.v. or something thereby hurting his arm.  then i went out with my friend ivy and got drunk in pasadena the night before my rescheduled appointment so at 9:15am when william called me wondering if i had forgotten about him, i had no choice but to tell him the truth and confess that there was no way i could make it from pasadena to brentwood in enough time.  so we rescheduled again.  so like i said, i have been waiting for today for a long time.

when i arrived at the salon, william accepted my chocolate peace offering (but fast forward to the bill and he made no reciprocal peace offering) and asked me what i wanted to do with my hair after he complimented me on my cut.  i told him i didn’t know and he said, “you’ve been this color for like 4 years, i think it’s time for a change.”

“william, this is my natural color and there have been intervals in the last 4 years where i was fire engine red!”

“whatever.  like i said, time for a change.”

3 hours and $300 later (please, if you don’t live in LA or NY, do not comment on the price) i emerged.

it’s a little wild for my taste.  but as long as you’re not looking down on my scalp, it looks ok.  he colored all my hair a dark reddish brown and then put stripes of blond at the crown (or whatever you call the area of your head where you would normally sport a mohawk.)
i immediately jumped into my filthy car and drove to k-lo’s house as she has a driveway with a hose.  i spent the next 2 hours washing and waxing my car with my new hairdo.  i know i know, why not just pay someone to wash the car… i do, normally, but have ripped my convertible top in the last few months and now it has to be washed by hand and i don’t trust those people as they never do a very good job.  besides, i like washing my car (when i have nothing better to do.)  the only issue is i didn’t follow the waxing instructions to the t (i know, very unlike me) and i think i screwed it all up.  you’re supposed to go section by section but i thought it’d be more time consuming to do the whole car before i wiped off the wax.  it doesn’t look horrible, but it doesn’t look fabulous either.

i’ll get around to fixing it one of these days.

we have a neighborhood watch program (or so the signs say) but i’ve never seen any particular “watching” going on. i don’t think we really have to worry about burglers or rapists or anything so i wonder what it is this watch program actually does. i think they should “watch” for noise makers because i find that to be the biggest problem on our block.

i mean, why is it that everyone leaf blows at a different time on a different day? to the right of me it’s 3pm on wednesdays - just about when i’m trying to nap or concentrate on work or what have you. to the left of me it’s 8am on thursdays - when i’m angry at not being able to sleep off my hangover.

the gardener comes by on tuesday afternoons and thinks it’s cool to drag the trashcans up and down flights of stairs, slamming into each step as he goes. he also finds raking the sidewalk with a metal rake somehow efficient.

people drive in and out of their parking spaces at all hours of the night and day underneath our building and walk through the echo chamber of our driveway which goes right up into everyone’s bedroom windows. often at 3am people come home with friends/lovers and chat chat chat all the way up to their apartments. how does this not bother anyone but me?!

one night at 4am it took some idiot 30 minutes to park his car in his space - with an assistant - and they communicated through the closed car window by yelling “a little more to the left” etc. until it woke me and half the building up and i went down and totally lost my shit on him. half the neighbors were down to witness the spectacle and the offender was self-righteous and argumentative. “well someone was parked too close to me so it was difficult for me to get into my space.” that’s excuse enough to wake up the whole building??

and then there is the vegetable vendor that comes around in a van with a mexican car horn “la cucaracha! la cucaracha!!” seriously dude… how is it even okay that this is your signature honk when you’re trying to sell vegetables? disgusting!! but the old ladies flock to the streets when he comes around honking his tune… usually at 9am on saturdays and wednesdays.

also, people in this neighborhood all drive mercedes and beemers but apparently can’t afford cell phones. they pull up in front of someone’s home and honk - even in the wee hours. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! use the doorbell. get your fat, lazy ass out of the car and go knock on the door. or call/text them. how hard can it be?!

to top it off, as if traffic noise, barking dogs and screaming kids aren’t enough, there are the constant helicopters looking for god knows what - a protest, traffic jams on nearby freeways, runaway fugitives - and usually after midnight or right when my favorite show is on. these loud choppers sound like they’re about to land on the roof which causes a chain reaction of everyone around turning up their television volume to OH MY GOD YOU COULD HEAR THE DIALOGUE PERFECTLY IF THERE WAS AN F14 IN YOUR LIVING ROOM. and then we’re all competing with each others’ noise.

it’s fantastic.

help!

it was 4:25pm on a beautiful sunny socal saturday and i was driving furiously up the pch with a majestic view of the pacific ocean. simultaneously (i know i should have been concentrating on driving) i was texting jakies and magic dan with the words “uuggghhhhh! won’t be there in time for the wedding! traffic on the freeway is horendous.” somehow, by the grace of god, i made it to temescal canyon only five minutes late and the wedding (as most weddings) thankfully did not begin on time.

julie and dave exchanged vows under a beautiful chuppa in their quaker slash jewish ceremony under the glorious afternoon sun streaming through the trees. afterwards, we headed off to michael’s on 3rd in santa monica. i figured i’d stop at the beach to take a few photos on my way and pulled into the last public parking lot before the california incline. with my bum foot i couldn’t really walk out into the sand, besides, i didn’t want to get all dirty before the reception. therefore, my photos were less than fabulous.

so i got back into my car and tried to pull back out onto the pch - not an easy task. after 5 minutes of waiting, i finally saw my chance. i pulled out on the pch and made my way over 3 lanes before i realized that my destination (the 4th lane) was lined up beginning way before i even joined the pch. basically, i was going to have to cut someone off. luckily (well not really as it turned out) all of a sudden i spotted a gap in the traffic and i pulled into a space in the left turn lane for the incline without having to technically cut someone off. i mean, no one had to slam on their breaks and curse and gesticulate wildly - no one HAD TO …oh but someone did. the guy behind me in a jeep was PISSED! he tailed me the rest of the way up the incline and honked at me. i tried to speed up as much as possible but the light at the top of the incline was red and there was nowhere for me to go. we spent a few tense minutes at the red light with him ON MY ASS which is not fun when you’re driving stick and sitting on a steep hill.

finally, it was green and i tried to make my way down california ave. across 1st and 2nd as quickly as possible when i noticed the jeep was still following me. i started to get nervous. i turned south on 3rd and the jeep followed. i made a u-turn in front of the restaurant as did the jeep. damn. i thought he was definitely going to jump out of the car and scream at me or possibly kill me if he could catch me (which would not be hard. tomorrow’s headline would read, “newlyweds witness hobbler gunned down in sleepy santa monica.”)

it turns out, he wasn’t a homicidal maniac ready to gun me down but none other than one of julie & dave’s wedding guests! since i had arrived first, angry jeep dude had to wait for the single solitary valet guy to park my car a million miles away and sprint back. angry jeep dude gave me the worst kind of hate stare. so i tried to be nice by informing him of a rock-star parking space right in front of the restaurant entrance. he gave me the “i don’t need your stupid help bitch” look and waited for the valet. oh well!

i went inside and mingled and told my embarrasing road-rage story to a handful of friends. when it was time for dinner, i sat down next to my date when low and behold ANGRY JEEP DUDE IS SEATED RIGHT NEXT TO US!!! i hissed “that’s him! that’s angry jeep dude!” in my date’s ear. he replied with, “who, ryan? he’s normally so nice.” then i leaned over to magic dan and told him of my misfortunate seating arrangement. “that’s ryan, dave’s and my lit agent,” he responded. then he added, “he’s got serious anger management issues. you should’ve seen him at the bachelor party!” (they drove bumper cars around as one of their bachelor party activities and apparently angry-jeep-dude-ryan-the-lit-agent is very competitive.)

eventually, the situation on the california incline was mentioned and ryan and i made up, but i had to do a lot of appologizing and explaining. “i don’t normally cut the line, it’s just that i didn’t enter the road until the middle of the line and i had no choice!” i’m not sure if he bought it but he had enough social graces to know he’d look better if he just forgave me. as it turns out, he is best friends with fred who used to date kamra who knew anne-marie (a friend of mine from high school.) when i first moved to LA, i was sad to not yet have any girlfriends. so anne-marie gave me kamra’s number. at that time, fred’s sister, lorraine was living with kamra and we all ended up becoming roommates a few months later. now lorraine apparently moved back to ohio to date magic dan’s ex-roommate from college - SMALL WORLD! (did you follow that? not even sure i did - so no big whoop.)

what a night!

all those dance lessons totally payed off!!