NEWLOVE

my friend’s boyfriend is on tour right now and flies to city after city and picks up a rental car at each airport. now, he’s a little scatterbrained, as many actors are, so he did not realize that his license had expired until he was trying to pick up his first rental car, where he was promptly DENIED.

he had to get a bus and hitch a ride to his first hotel and start figuring out how he was going to get to his location and back the next day when he repeated the story to someone who remarked their surprise that he was even able to get on a plane.

sure enough, the next day after his show, he had a hard time getting on a plane. they made him strip down to his boxers at security where they patted him down. then they removed each and every item from his bags to inspect thoroughly. as it had been a year since he last traveled, there were things in random pockets of that bag that he had forgotten about …like pepper spray from a camping trip with his girlfriend.

he was immediately quarantined and questions and of course the “weapon” was confiscated. he was put on a “watch list” for potential terrorist activities. but they let him get on the plane.

he called his girlfriend to overnight his passport to his next location so he could have an easier flying experience. he then started brainstorming on a better idea than busses trains and taxis in these podunk towns. he decided the best idea was to put an advert in the personals on craig’s list. it read as follows:

WANNA GO ON A DATE FOR AN HOUR AND HALF?

Want to go on a date with a CUTE, FUNNY, WITTY and INTELLIGENT guy?
Requirements: You must own a car and you must be free Wednesday, Aug 22.

I already have our date planned out: You pick me up at my hotel in Dallas and we take a nice romantic drive to Commerce, Texas (hour and half away). You drop me off, we say goodbye and that’s it!

OK, perhaps you can see that I really need a ride to Commerce. Here is the deal: I do shows around the country every fall at colleges (Freshman Orientation Show). Well, the company I work for rents me a
car when I need it, HOWEVER, I landed in Denver today and went to rent a car and guess what: apparently my license expired on my birthday last week. I didn’t even think to check!!

So I am stuck between a rock…and another rock. I HAVE to get from Dallas/Denton to Commerce ANYTIME on the 22nd. Let’s make a date of it. I will buy lunch (or dinner), I guarantee you lots of laughs (I’m a stand-up comic from Los Angeles) and wonderful conversation. I will listen to your every word and give you honest feedback when you want it (and gratuitous compliments when you least expect it). AND I will give you 40 bucks for gas money!

Unfortunately, we can’t “do” anything on this date, as my girlfriend wouldn’t be very happy if I whored myself out for a 70 mile ride.

So please, if there are any guardian angels out there, I would really appreciate the chance. We can talk on the phone beforehand and I can give you my mom’s phone number as a reference. :>

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

jeff

the response he received is as follows:

This actually sounds like a lot of fun and I’m just that kind of adventurous gal.

Yes, I have a nice car and know my way around Texas.

If we can make this a morning trip . . . say pick you up around 9 or 10, then I can make this happen for you. I have a dinner date with my dad in the evening but the time is flexible.

Why am I volunteering? I know where Commerce is, haven’t been there in ages and thought traveling with a stranger who has a nice girlfriend at home would be interesting traveling company.

Buy lunch, we’ll call it even. I don’t know much about Commerce but I’ll find a nice lunch place - it’s gotta be better than Whataburger or McNasty.

I don’t drink, don’t smoke, have a wicked sense of humour and thought it would be fun to bounce comedy back and forth. And I won’t hold you hostage with crappy music - there is a lot to choose from or, since we’re probably very good talker, we may never miss it.

Let me know. I can email you all my details including my cel phone, send you a pic of my vehicle and me (yes, I took the pic when the car was new!) and we’ll figure this out.

Octavia
(Yes, that’s my real name)

he said it was treacherous. she never shut up and her “wicked sense of humor” was definitely an exaggeration. but he got where he needed to go and she even offered to pick him up and take him back. he must have been super charming.

here’s the photo she sent him…

i left work early today in order to make it to the bank before it closed.  i stood in line at the bank for a half an hour staring at the “we are only accepting deposits on a case by case basis” signs taped to every teller’s window.  when it was my turn the bank dude basically told me i was shit out of luck and to go home.  he said that they were experiencing technical difficulties and that they wouldn’t be able to confirm my funds and therefore i wouldn’t be able to withdraw any money and like duh didn’t i read the sign?!

the sign is talking about deposits and yes i read the freaking sign, i’ve been standing here for an eternity with nothing to do BUT read the sign.  the sign has nothing to do with withdrawals so don’t duh me, you big jerk.

i then had a lengthy conversation with the bank manager.  i have thousands of dollars of MY money in this bank and i want some of MY money that you have taken hostage.  has there been a stock market crash or something that i just haven’t heard about?  no, ma’am.  but this is the worst computer failure in ls fargo history.  we did a system upgrade on saturday and we’ve been trying to fix it ever since.

it’s monday.

yes, ma’am. we’re so sorry.

fine, then can you at least come up with some sort of provisional solution?

we could if you were only looking to withdraw a few hundred dollars but we can’t accommodate a several thousand dollar withdrawal when we can’t verify that you have those funds in your account.

then can you give me a loan or do you have some sort of deal with the bank next door?

no sorry, ma’am.

can you at least tell me when this sorry disaster is going to be over?

no sorry.  there’s nothing i can do.

jannone and i went to the arclight - yes for the a/c - to see stardust, but as per our usual of late… it was sold out. so we saw this instead.

not good.  aishwarya is hot but the costuming is so horrific that it’s hard to pay attention to anything else.

as i was dreading returning to my hot box of an apartment after work today, i called up kirsten who lives not far from the beach and pawned myself off on her. we sat and chatted in her breezy house and she offered me a glass of water which i accepted. (shocking, i know.) AND IT WAS DELICIOUS. her trick? mint and lemons. she grows both in her yard. she sent me home with a bag of both and now i’m the happiest water drinker - beer drinker reformed (until the mint and lemon runs out, at least.) maybe i’ll finally have good skin!

it was supposed to be one of our favorite GEEK OUT nights.  the last time we ended up singing opera.  http://joshuasassoondesign.com/blog/?p=360 

but yunmi and i both have a cough/cold so we just stuffed ourselves with yummy pasta and souflée.

my gays can COOK!

hiko took me to superbad tonight. the only reason why i agreed to go was because they have air conditioning at the movie theater.

it was actually funny!!  thanks hiko!!

parents to be

raymond bought us cupcakes from some place in santa monica.  WOW.  the cinnamon and the red velvet were my favorites!

hung out with bart and art tonight in new orleans after stacy and michael poured some road-side stand 150 proof daquiris down my throat.  luckily ixel warned me to do a preemptive strike with advil regardless of how good i thought i felt.

bart, art and i had fun.  rather, i had fun.  hopefully bart and art weren’t too horrified or bored.  they definitely hid it well if they were.  it’s always weird seeing an ex but when they have to go off and marry the nicest, cutest girl… it’s even harder.  congrats to them, i say.  i hope we can remain good friends.  y’all are okay by me.

the best part is bart still drives the purple bullet and i got to catch a ride home in it tonight.  i’m an idiot to not have photographed it.  i freaking love that car.

here’s the most adequate representation i could find on the net.

bart drove it from florida to california.  we drove that car down to the keys, for goodness sake.  must’ve been 2002.  it’s a good car.

i went to new orleans thursday in order to be here in lafayette for ixel’s baby shower tonight. we spent the day at the local country club in the shade and in the pool. it was the only way to survive the intense heat.