I happened to look over and notice a huge German Sheppard doing his business across the street from me in the Bronx as I was walking to the subway to make my way into Manhattan to play the role of the violent shopper, part deux. Wow. You know how when we as humans drink a lot of water, our urine tends to be a very clear color and when we drink tons of crap like alcohol or Red Bull, our urine is bright yellow (or green or orange or…)? What I don’t understand is how this canine who obviously drinks nothing but water could have such disgusting colorful urine with which to foul up the snow.
But I digress. I spent hours today shopping like a deranged lunatic. I left the 4 train at 59th and Lex and went directly into Bloomingdales to look at their trench coat selection. They had the Burberry in two different versions. They also had a Via Spiga and a Donna Karan option. But none of them really stood out as “the one.” Honestly, the Ann Taylor version we saw last night was the most appropriate and looked the cutest on the bride. Now if only we can find the right size!!
I left Bloomies and went down 59th to 5th and popped into every store on the East side of the street and even some on the West side of 5th Ave all the way to 21st. Bergdorf, Bendel, 9 West, Versace, Zara, Prada, Fendi, Ann Taylor in the 40s and in the 20s, Lucky, Swarofsky (they had a no-name dress for $20,000 decorated in crystal,) Saks, Faconnable, Brooks Brothers, J. Crew, Ferragamo, Banana, etc etc etc.
Picture me, crazed and lugging all my shit around like a schitzo bag lady plowing down fellow pedestrians in order to get to the front door of stores that all have doormen. Let me just tell you that half the doormen either “didn’t see me” or were hoping that i was just going to breathe on the glass and look through the window… maybe even get a little face grease on the windows when i pressed my nose against them. But oh weren’t they wrong! I buldozed my way into the store (damn those big glass doors are freaking heavy!) and shouted at the nearest salesperson, “HEY! Do you have any white trench coats? NO??? Thanks!” and I left with as much pomp and circumstance as I arrived. Lather Rinse Repeat.
When I got to Ann Taylor in the 40s, the woman who walked in directly before me took the very last coat in an XS in the whole store - the reason why I was there. AND SHE BOUGHT IT. I begged. I pleaded. I told her the whole sob story, “My friend is getting married ON FRIDAY and this is what she needs to wear and she is sick in bed at home right now and I have to bring it to her I’LL PAY YOU just please give me that coat!!” In a typical New York accent, the lady stared at me cooly and said, “Well then, you’d better have the salesgirl call up the other stores and see if they can’t find another XS for you someplace else.” She turned on her heal and walked out of the store.
Bitch.
