NEWLOVE

This weekend Ixel and I went to a classmate’s wedding in Guilford, Connecticut. The bride was beautiful and the church was adorable and I.Love.Connecticut. OMG. I do. Connecticut makes you feel like you’re on Plymouth Rock amongst the settlers with its cute little buildings around The Green in every town. I thought William Smith was just wierd with calling the plush grounds outside the Dean’s building “The Green.” Going to Connecticut made so many things make sense.
Ixel is a little taken aback due to my love for Connecticut. “What are you? Miss Connecticut or something? How do you know so much about Connecticut? Do you research facts online?”

“Why yes, yes I do.”

Anyways, we’re at the reception and are naturally seated next to a handful of other William Smithies at table 8 in a gorgeous hotel in Old Saybrook. I know no one. Seriously. The girl that sat down next to me and the girl next to her looked familiar. But the other two girls at the table I’ve never seen before in my life. Naturally, I’ve never met their husbands.

Ixel and I end up spending most of the evening with those two girls and their husbands while the two single girls that were sitting next to me picked up on guys and danced their butts off. We went outside to the patio and sat under a heat lamp. One of the husbands, Kevin, kept talking about the physics of the heat lamp all night. “How is it that the heat lamp doesn’t melt the tent? I mean, seriously, I know heat dissipates and everything but it’s super hot and only a few feet from the plastic tent and do you know how come it doesn’t melt?”

It was really strange because every five minutes, no matter what we were talking about, he kept bringing up the heat lamp and its strange non-tent melting qualities. We all sat out there until the heat lamp ran out of propane and then Kevin suggested we all go inside. For some reason, Ixel was the only person to get up. As soon as she did, my world turned on its slo-mo view.

She walked past me and Kevin stood up and walked in front of his seven month pregnant wife towards Ixel. He bent over (picture this in slow motion) and lunged towards Ixel. All of a sudden his face is in her ass and his arms were around her knees. It looked like he was about to pick her up. But Oh No He Didn’t! His mouth was on her left butt cheek. What in the name of the Lord is going on?!

Ixel let out a blood curling scream and everyone, (Kevin, his seven month pregnant wife, her best friend and her husband,) started laughing. I stared with my mouth agape. What in the hell is going on?!

As it turns out, Ixel (who does many a strange thing when drunk,) bit Kevin so hard on the ass five years ago at Christine and Nick’s wedding. So hard that Kevin had a huge bruise as a reminder for a week or two. Keep in mind that it was the first time Ixel had ever met him. So ever since that day, he has been plotting his revenge.

All night at Dawn’s wedding when he was chatting us up, it was all part of his ploy to get Ixel to stand up so he could bite her. Everyone at the table knew about it except for me and Ixel. So the whole time he was going on about the stupid heat lamp, it was all a trick to get Ixel to stand up. Meanwhile, I totally missed the part of her life where she was a biting maniac and moved straight into her flashing the tits stage so I had no idea why this man had his teeth in the flesh of my girlfriend’s ass right in front of his seven months pregnant wife.

She now has a huge bruise and I promised the guys I’d get a photo of it to send to them and their wives.

My life is weird.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 14th, 2006 at 11:46 pm and is filed under Travel. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.