NEWLOVE

Last night, Brad was snoring like crazy when I came to bed. Because my feet were pretty cold, I think he woke up when he felt them on his legs. He got up and went to the bathroom. On his way back, I asked him if he could please put on a nose-strip. He said sure, but dove head-first right back into bed.I argued with him and begged and pleaded and he kept saying “Yeah, yeah. I’m working on it.” Meanwhile he wasn’t moving a muscle, except for the one that makes the snoring louder!

I begged him to at least just blow his nose. Again, “Yeah, yeah. I’m working on it.” But nothing. I started to get really pissed off. I violently reached across him to yank a tissue out of the box on his bedside table and shoved it into his hand. He whined and complained.

Then nothing.

“Brad! Wake the fuck up, blow your nose and SHUT UP for the love of God!!”

Nothing.

So the gentle shaking that became a more forceful nudge then turned into a hard point!point!point! with my finger into his deltoid. Then he started to get really pissed off. Keep in mind that he was asleep for this entire tortured hour of my life and didn’t remember anything this morning.

“Kathleen! I’m trying to sleep!”

“SO AM I YOU PIECE OF SHIT!” I yelled back. But, he still didn’t wake up. I was fuming at this point.

So I stole all the covers and let him freeze to death alone in the bed. I went and slept on my old love seat in the kitchen. It was incredibly uncomfortable and I could barely sleep as I was so angry at this point and I could still hear him snoring in the other room in addition to the old man snoring downstairs!

At 4am, he awoke shivering. A-Ha! My plan worked! He got out of bed and went to the bathroom and curiously walked around in the apartment wondering where I could have gone. He was a little shocked to see me in the kitchen on a tiny love-seat with all the covers, blankets and sheets from the bed. He woke me up, “Baby what are you doing sleeping in the kitchen?”

“I am not going to sleep on the new white leather so this was my only option to get away from you and your stupid snoring, sweating and slobbering!”

He put me to bed and went and slept in the living room (so as not to bother me) ON THE BRAND NEW WHITE LEATHER COUCH!

I can’t win.