Gaggious Maximus
I just woke up from a 2 hour nap after an hour-long shower (although I really wanted a bath but I never indulge that way unless someone runs it for me) and it’s a school day!! I got up this morning and everything started normally… well… except for the gash on my back, the bruise on my knee and the burst blood vessels on my left breast that I got last night when Brad and I fell over onto a set of dumbbells at his apartment at 2am. (You know the dumb warning signs on things - McDonald’s coffee’s ITEM MAY BE HOT, hairdryer’s PLEASE DO NOT OPERATE WHILE SLEEPING, cold medicine’s DO NOT OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY, etc. - they should put one on wine - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DO THE BUNNY HOP NEAR EXERCISE EQUIPMENT AFTER DRINKING AN EXCESS OF ONE BOTTLE.)
Anyways, Apple finished replacing my logic board - yay! (They actually finished it yesterday but called me as I was on my way to work to let me know and hence I was unable to pick it up until today.) I am so happy to have my computer back. I love you, sweet computer. I missed you so much. I found myself driving home on our first day apart thinking to myself, “Why bother even going home? There’s nothing there for me. What am I to do?”
After my trip to the Apple Store, I stopped by the Casting Studios to drop off a birthday gift for Keoni and ran into Liz Paulson in the lobby. As she and I were chatting outside right before I left, a dumb-ass bird FUCKING SHAT ON ME! Unfortunately, I cannot say this is the first time this has happened to me but I can say it hasn’t happened since I was 10 years old. So I was standing there TOTALLY BUMMED OUT and Liz started gagging and laughing alternately. I moped off to my car and started driving home to change my clothes when the very pungent odor of the birdshit started totally grossing me out. I have always been under the impression that birds eat bird seed and maybe your occasional bug if they’re lucky. Not this bird. This bird must have recently feasted on rotting carcass of road kill or something. I tried not to look at the quickly setting stain on my shirt but it was hypnotic and soon I could not look away (except for the driving part - but I wasn’t paying very much attention to the road.) I mean, I think I might have seen partially digested squirrel feet in that mess. That dumb bird was some sort of crazy carnivorous terrorist of the avian world.
At first I was just nauseous, so I rolled down the windows. Then I was cold and nauseous, and I began to gag. Now, let me inform you that I vomit so infrequently that a.) I don’t really remember from one vomiting instance to the next what it feels like so, b.) I don’t ever know that I’m going to vomit until it has left my throat. Somewhere in between the vomit’s passage from my throat to my mouth to the outside world, it hits me that I am in fact vomiting. So there I am, driving down Beverly Blvd. spewing coffee, scrambled eggs, sausage, avocado and tomatoes all over myself - my poor car. So I called work and let them know I would not be returning and that is how I came to take a long shower and nap in the middle of a school day. The end. (Or is it?!)