NEWLOVE

Brad was at the Magic Castle yesterday. He and his friend, who is called Easy (EZ?), were chatting and Brad remembered a drunk story from his past. Here’s how he tells it…
“So I was at the Magic Castle about a year ago with my girlfriend and I got really drunk right at this very bar. It was the end of the night and we’d just seen this stupid magic show and I was ready to go home. Kathleen decided as we were walking out that she had to show off this one downstairs part of the castle to her friends and I was like, “Whatever. I’m going to smoke a cigarette and wait for you outside.’ So they went downstairs and I smoked like what felt like 3 cigarettes and talked on the phone. After what felt like 20 minutes I went back into the castle to look for them. I was pissed. Here they weren’t paying attention to the fact that they were taking forever and that someone was WAITING for them and I had to say the stupid password to the owl and go inside and look around for them. Then I went back outside, thinking I’d missed them, and looked for them out there. Nothing. So I went back inside and said the damn password to the stupid owl again and looked around. Still nothing. So I went back outside. Nothing and no one. So I went back inside and said the password to the fucking owl and still couldn’t find them and went back outside and they weren’t there either. I started thinking I was going to have to walk home and was planning my route. When they finally came outside, I was belligerently drunk and pissed off and let them hear it. Now I will never live it down. Apparently that owl is my best friend. Kathleen’s friends even call up and ask me how the owl is doing. Let this be a lesson to you Easy. Never get belligerently drunk.”
Now here’s what really happened…
Normally when I tell this story, I do it mimicking Brad with a funny, pretty retarded-sounding voice. Now by no means is Brad even remotely retarded (especially when he’s sober) but it just makes the story sound funnier. My girls Tina & Yunmi absolutely DIE when they hear the story. And the very first time I told it, I’ll have to admit, it was pretty damn funny. But now I’m like a bar trick or something and whenever we’re out, Tina & Yunmi want me to tell the story and Brad gets pissed because I make him sound like a retarded ass. But ya gotta give the people what they want, right?!
So…
My friend, Ixel, was moving to New York and it was one of her last nights in L.A.. She’d never been to the Magic Castle and was curious.
The Magic Castle is a “country club” of sorts to magicians. You have to be extremely cheesy, with weird hair and lame conversational topics to be a member. Oh yeah, and you have to know a few magic tricks AND you have to pay some ridiculous amount of membership fees. And it’s not exactly a country club either in the respect that Chaz and Geoffrey meet up on the golf course for a quick 9 before their 8am conference call. Instead, Alex the Amazing and Fantastic Fred meet at an alcove by the bar and show off their latest card tricks and slights of hand. Thrilling… I know.
So since Ixel wanted to go, I called up some of my “men on the inside” including Magic Dan and Jakies. They know I hate magic. “Magic’s lame,” being one of my most well-known quotations. Despite that, they always get me on the list whenever I need. But not only does a member have to get you on the list, but they also have to accompany you there in order for you to be admitted for the evening. AND you will not be allowed in unless you’re in a suit & tie (men) and cocktail dresses (women.) So Jakies decided he’d meet us there. (I love Dan and Jakes. Thanks for letting me be a magic hater and still being my friends.)
Grant, Ixel and I had a few drinks with Jakies before watching some lame magic show. Brad had one too many martinis. We’d shown Ixel and Grant around the castle. They’d seen the owl in the bookcase to whom you have to give the secret password to get into the first bar. “Open Sesame!” They’d seen the old piano played by a ghost who takes requests (Clara I think her name is.) They’d seen various different salons upstairs and down. But as we were walking out, I remember they hadn’t yet seen the hall of mirrors downstairs. So I mentioned that fact and Brad said he wasn’t interested but that he’d wait for us outside and smoke a cigarette. And off he went.
Grant and Ixel checked out the hall of mirrors and a downstairs salon where some show was going on. We then went upstairs and exited to the valet. This took all of 3-5 minutes. We found Brad out there fuming and he immediately came up to me and with fire in his eyes yelled, “Where in the hell have you been?!”
“What are you talking about? I told you we were going to check out the hall of mirrors and be right up. So here we are.”
“I have been standing here for a half an hour. I thought you guys had left! I thought I was going to have to walk home. I was already planning my route. I was going to go down Highland and then make a left on…”
“Brad. We’ve been gone for like FIVE MINUTES. What are you talking about?!”
At this time, Grant and Ixel decided to stand as far away from us as possible to give them as much distance from falling debris in the event that Brad’s head exploded. Unfortunately no one felt compelled to get ME out of the line of fire.
Brad continued, “WHAT?! I smoked like 3 cigarettes, made a half a dozen phone calls and then looked for you inside a few times. I kept thinking maybe we’d missed each other coming in and out of here. I went up the stairs, down the stairs, up the stairs, down the stairs… me and that owl are like BEST FRIENDS!”
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Obviously it’s not as funny written as it is in person. Maybe it’s a “Ya hadta be there” type thing. I don’t know. Brad hates it when I tell this story. So this is the last time I’m going to tell it. (You’re welcome Brad. I love you.) From now on, if anyone is curious in hearing it, I’ll either direct them to Tina, Yunmi or Ixel or I’ll send them a link to this blog.
Here’s a photo of the Magic Castle. I tried to find a photo of THE owl but no such luck.

This entry was posted on Monday, August 29th, 2005 at 11:09 pm and is filed under Brad. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.