Planet of the Apes
I was listening to my favorite morning show on my way to work. The hosts mentioned an interesting dilemna they read about in the Orlando Sentinal that the Puerto Ricans are currently facing. Monkeys are about 20 miles outside of San Juan and are about to take over!!
Monkeys are not indiginous to the country. Apparently, back in the day they used to ship monkeys to Puerto Rico for laboratory testing. It’s got to be pretty serious testing if they’re sending the monkeys off the mainland - woah. So these monkeys have been living in captivity at the labs for all this time but those labs have now been closed and they’ve set all the monkeys free. They’ve just let them loose in the wild.
Well, the monkeys are genetically mutated and very irritable. They growl and snarl at people. Their average weight is about 50 lbs. Pretty scary. They reproduce like crazy and now there are thousands and thousands of monkeys running rampant on the island. One lady interviewed in the article claims she used to think the baby monkey that would hang out on her patio was cute. But then it started growling at her menacingly and throwing her pottet plants onto the sidewalk and breaking them. She called the police to have them remove the monkey and they showed up in hazmat suits. It scared her to realize these monkeys were contaminated somehow and contageous.
So the hosts of the radio show thought it’d be funny to call a couple of different establishments in San Juan to get first-hand accounts of monkey sightings and monkey related incidences. The people they spoke to were very polite given the absurd nature of the call and given the fact that they knew nothing about this supposed monkey invasion. It was somewhat shocking that the people of San Juan know nothing of this monkey overpopulation and impending take-over. So the hosts said, “Ma’am, if there’s a monkey there with a knife to your throat, press one.”
Now I love monkeys as much as the next person. I love their stupid grins and when they’re dressed like people and do funny shit on t.v. but I’m not necessarily interested in randomly encountering one in my driveway blocking the way to my car as it growls at me. “Excuse me, Mr. Monkey. But could you kindly step away from my car? Please drop your weapons and stay at least 10 feet away from me and my belongings. I promise I won’t hurt you. I come in peace.”
And I don’t know about you, but I’d venture to guess that no matter how much those crazy pet psychologists on t.v. claim that they’ve taught their monkeys how to read and all that hoo-hah, that the monkeys are as dumb as the so-called customer service representatives at my cell phone company.
I can just see it now. Monkeys invade and they’re everywhere. I’m just minding my own business, driving down Hollywood Blvd. to get to the 101 to go to work and there’s monkeys jaywalking and not paying attention to oncoming traffic. They take their time crossing while they talk with their stupid monkey buddies and snarl a little at the humans around. They throw a couple pies in each others faces and laugh with their lips curling back showing all their pearly whites while enjoying an inside monkey joke or two. I’m not a morning person and pedestrians crossing willy-nilly with no regard to the cars on the road which greatly outnumber them not to mention can kill them is one of the things that just sets me off at 8am when I’ve only been awake long enough to roll out of bed, throw on some clothes and jump in the car.
I don’t care how loud they’re growling or how much they’re foaming at the mouth. They’re going to be hearing my bitching voice croaking out my window, “Get out of the fucking way you stupid moron!”